Friday, 20 January 2023

[BLOG] CAR GIFT CONTRACT (draft version)

We have very good news! You have just won a CAR!!!* The CAR* will be made available to you completely FREE of charge for the next two weeks, after which the General Terms and Conditions will come into effect. You are free to use the CAR* either on routes we recognise, or on routes that do not conflict with the provisions of current or later versions of the General Terms and Conditions. We REALLY want you to enjoy the freedom of DRIVING WITH US! ™ Unfortunately, many people abuse the freedom of DRIVING WITH US!™, so we are forced to reserve the right to terminate the CAR GIFT CONTRACT of those who would abuse it. This is for your benefit.** By signing the CAR GIFT CONTRACT, you agree not to pursue any legal action or other claims against the issuers of the CAR GIFT CONTRACT. We reserve the right to alter the CAR GIFT CONTRACT and the General Terms and Conditions at our will.

With the CAR GIFT CONTRACT entering into force, your previously purchased passenger vehicle will expire, and its ownership*** will revert to our company.

* As stipulated in our draft contract, the definition of “CAR” is “two rear-view mirrors and a carburetor.”

** The relevant criteria are contained in the current and later versions of the General Terms and Conditions, as defined and interpreted by our current and future employees.

*** According to the provisions of the General Terms and Conditions, “ownership” rights belong to the party issuing the CAR GIFT CONTRACT.

C'mon, buddy. Just sign the contract.

6 comments:

  1. Is that the used ship salesman from Monkey Island?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brilliant.

    Simply brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sure this is hilarious to others but I will take this opportunity to say that your ability to engage with people is woeful. I have listened to your monotonous voice on podcasts and excused it because you are translating in real time. There is no excuse for you pathetic engagement on your own blog where you write competently in english, but then engage with the comments like an ape, which is how you speak english.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every so often, when working from my weekend house, I awaken to find some nocturnal critter has placed its gifts on the terrace: chewed-up bones, excrement with the remains of its last meal, or signs of an attempt to rifle through the rubbish. It sometimes makes me wonder about the infinite variety of God's creation, and it sometimes annoys me because they leave a mess. These are, however, both the natural consequences of living by the forest, and I pay them little mind as I proceed with my daily routine.

      Delete
    2. Indeed, one of you is clearly a great disciple of Vance

      Delete